May 24, 2011
I am grateful for driving to pick up food orders, introspection and the time for contemplation.
When I was young I would ride my bike to a secluded spot where no one could find me; trees, grass, hills, crumbled remains of a building, peace and safety were found there. I used this safe place to ponder my thoughts and feelings, a place to cry and to hide, where I could be alone. Even in the midst of the pain, there was beauty and peace in my surroundings if not in my thoughts.
Today I realized I don’t have a place of peace, a place to ponder to go to. I no longer suffer from the abuse and pain of those days, but the need to think, to ponder, to process and to grow needs that same time and space. Today the time driving has been my opportunity to consider; sifting through all that His spirit has brought to me this last week or so. While there was peace and opportunity to ponder as I drove, there wasn’t much beauty in my surroundings; but my thoughts, well that is a different matter.
I have been overwhelmed by His spirit for days now, trying to understand that which He would have me know and comprehend. It has been a curious path. I have been exposed to new thoughts, or old ones in new ways. I watched this TED video: Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability
When I was young (pre-teen to teen) it was alcohol to numb the pain inflicted on my body and my heart. I would numb to cope. I learned not to show my feelings as my pain brought joy to my abuser, so I would numb.
I numb. Even now. (Is this my 2 word story?)
This is still a part of my life. I realized this when watching this video in small part, but it came to me fully after Women’s Conference on May 21st. It is important for me to remember that I cannot selectively numb. When I numb I lose the ability to connect in real ways. As an extension of this I realized that gratitude has been a fleeting thing for me; I have not allowed it past my barriers. I have been grateful for those gifts I have been given, but real gratitude is not something I have taken in to my heart. Do I fear gratitude?
When I numb I am blocking out the things I seek most: love, joy, acceptance, friendship, and understanding. I am grateful that during the Gratitude Workshop Bro. Quinn asked us to free associate. An interesting thing happened as I did so, for each one of the four items I listed (my husband, my friend, peace associated w/my son & a Spirit filled heart). As I followed the chains of thought they all ended in love. If this is truly what is most important to me, how can I learn to accept it? How do I let down these barriers built and strengthened over years? As Polly M. said myelin wraps it doesn’t unwrap. I must find a new path to walk, a path to walk with God.
I didn’t have a relationship with Heavenly Father when I was young. I am grateful He continued to have one with me. I do have one now, it is beautiful to behold. I want to be strong enough to take it ALL in; I will begin to shine a bright light into those corners I have allowed to continue and begin on a new path with Him, mistakes and all. Maybe by next year’s conference I will be truly filled with gratitude.