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The Day I Stop Reading Others’ Words

I love to read, and re-read, I fill my time with the words and visions of others.  I get a great deal of joy from it, but it is a bit of an escape from the struggles in my life.

Maybe that is wrong thinking.

Today (2/25/2017) I will begin to fully feel my struggles.  I will live them and channel them into something useful.  Today I will begin to make art again.

I will strive to do something creative each day, even if it is a simple drawing or a blog post.

Artbox - dusty.jpg

The artbox is a bit dusty but it’s about time I put this all to use!

Artbox - open.jpg

I am going to stop reading novels and spend that time making art.  I’m going to stop spending my time escaping and start creating.  It doesn’t mean I will never read, I have a lot to learn from the Bible and the Book of Mormon, but I need to spend my spare time in a more creative way.  I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

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Posted by on February 27, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Fishbowl

I have been thinking.  With my necessity to avoid fragrance of any kind (deodorant, perfume, cologne or Febreze for example) I feel a bit like a goldfish in a fish bowl; I have my family with me, some water and a rocky bottom that is sometimes a bit unstable to stand on.  I am separate from those around me, by necessity.  It feels a bit lonely, I miss the engagement with other people.

Goldfish picture site link

I am more like a clown fish, who flourishes in large groups (schools).  I think the similarity to a clown fish is apt as they tend to pine when separated from their school but also because of how they live in connection with the anemone.  I need others like I need air, knowing that the differences and struggles while they may hurt, like rubbing the anemone, make me better and stronger.  It creates lasting relationships from which I thrive.

Clown fish site link

Alone?  Not Really.

While being separate is hard, I am not alone.  I am grateful that individuals take the time to drop things into my fishbowl in the form of kind notes, letters, and flowers.  They have brightened my day and have given me something to do – respond with letters of my own.

  • Mosiah 2:17

    And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.

I have been served and it has helped me to feel connected.  I am grateful!  I thank my Heavenly Father for the blessing these individuals have been in my life and for how they have lifted me when I was down.

 
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Posted by on February 25, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

How can I step outside of myself when life is hard?

In the past when life was hard I would step away from my struggles by serving others.  I  would seek to listen to the Holy Ghost, to find opportunities to go and do.  To help make someone else’s day better even if mine wasn’t.  Through the process I would feel happier and sometimes gain a new perspective on my situation.

For thou shalt devote all thy service in Zion; and in this thou shalt have strength.

Doctrine and Covenants 24:7

Sometimes, a lot of times, this was hard.  I had three busy kids, we homeschooled and I was actively involved in working/supporting all the groups my kids took part in.  My life was busy.  We often had many kids at our home particularly in the early years.  If I wanted to serve it usually meant I had to take my kids with me and kids are not always agreeable to the process.  But, when I would see the smile on someone’s face or give a hug that seemed so needed, I knew that I had made a difference if only for a moment and I would feel a bit better.

Now I am limited, I can’t just go out and do, life is different.  I no longer have little babies or young children to make service hard.  Now it is my health that is getting in the way.  Fragrances are everywhere and they cause me to struggle to breathe. I find it is safer to avoid situations that can make this worse, so I stay home unless I am working.  Occasionally if I am desperate to get out of the house I can go for a drive but only if I am not feeling too tired.  This usually can only happen on the weekend because I am exhausted during the week from work.

How can I get out of my own head?  How do I step away from all this hard, tired, struggle each day when I can’t even leave the house except to go to work or the doctors?

With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men

Ephesians 6:7

Christ didn’t bake muffins or make gifts for others.  He gave them the word of God.  He encouraged others to come closer to God, he also lifted, strengthened and loved.

I can do some small part of this.  I can pray for others, I can ask who needs what I can give.  I can also ask, what can I give?  Maybe it will be small, but it will be enough if I am following Him.  “Doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men” (Eph 6:7).

 

 

 
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Posted by on February 12, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Dear Doctor,

Dear Doctor,

I understand that you have worked hard to learn and know everything required to become a doctor.  You may also have years of experience to support what you know.  I respect all the effort and time you have put into this.

BUT ~

I don’t know you.

Trust takes time to build and requires you to take time to explain yourself, what you want to do and most importantly, WHY you want to do it.  I don’t like having to go to the internet in hopes of finding accurate information.  Though, you often leave me with no other recourse than this because you don’t explain.

Just because you think you know what is going on is not enough reason in and of itself for me to pump my body full of drugs or take invasive tests.  Particularly since I am not like everyone else you have seen and you often miss or forget things like my severe food allergies and how that affects these drugs and whether or not I can take them.  I know that this may be driven by the sheer number of patients you see in a day, but you chose this and I expect more.

I don’t know you AND YOU DON’T KNOW ME – only my symptoms.

I am so much more than that which I am struggling with right now.  Please don’t distance yourself so much that you don’t see ME, not the version of me that is in your head but ME the person sitting in front of you.

Understand that for me you are part of the problem I am having with my health.  I don’t mean to associate you with my illness, but I hate my illness, and you unfortunately are a part of that.  While I may come to terms with my illness, how I feel about you is entirely dependent on whether or not you respect me enough to give me all the information and not hold back.  This is a moment where you are playing God as you decide what I need to know.

Every time you hold back I can sense it and it damages trust – or if there is no trust yet, makes it near impossible to get there.

I want to be well.  I need you to help me make that possible, but if you truly want to help me I need you to be more than the sum of your medical knowledge.

YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME, AS YOU EXPECT ME TO TRUST YOU.

~Your patient

 
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Posted by on February 11, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Am I Chronically Ill?

Yes, I am.

How did that happen?  I was well.  I remember it.  July 30th, 2016 was my last ‘normal’ day.

Will my health improve?  I have hope it will, but every day is a battle right now. The doctor keeps telling me that this could take years and to be patient.

The result of this change is that my life has become very small.  I do have choices, but they are choices like:

  1. Will I be obedient and take the 7 medications I need to breathe today?
  2. Will I take a nap instead of eating lunch so I can function and drive home safely from work today?
  3. Will I rest when I get home or fix dinner?  My poor husband.  I am so grateful he is ok with simple meals – eggs or grilled cheese have become a staple.
  4. How will I bring joy into my life now that everything I thought I was and enjoyed is taken away?

Who will I be a year from now?

This article speaks to the issues I now find myself facing.  Please take the time to read it and I hope that it will help you to understand a bit.

https://themighty.com/2017/01/facebook-posts-chronically-sick/

 

 
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Posted by on January 29, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Finally Feeling a Bit Better

Written Wednesday, Jan 26th.

Last night as I lay in bed, instead of being exhausted, for the first time since my anaphylactic reaction last Thursday morning I was clear headed and could think.

Today, my clear thinking remains but I am tired.  It is so nice to be back, to have my mental capacity full (well mostly), even if I still have to do breathing treatments to breathe and I am tired because of the breathing struggle.  Being able to think, ponder, and using my brain to wonder and imagine is everything.  The world becomes awfully small without it.

 

 
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Posted by on January 26, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Update on Me and Insurance

It has been a rough week.
I am now on 8 medications and a shot just to keep breathing.  On the up side after two days of hassle the insurance company approved my safe rescue inhaler for a year.  Only a year then I have to go and have it re-approved again.  Crazy world we live in where I have to get special approval to take a medication that is safe for me instead of one that could kill me.

I am grateful that the drugs exist and that I have an urgent care across the street from my office at work.  I was in no shape to drive when my throat started swelling, particularly since I don’t even know where the emergency room near where I work is.

Heavenly Father has me in hand.  I have felt the blessing of prayers on my behalf and I am so grateful for that too.  I am grateful for individuals that take the time to think of me, pray for me and my family and send me snail mail to help me stay positive and to let me know what is going on in their lives.

Yesterday had a wonderfully bright spot!  My husband and I decided to go to the Temple of our church in spite of my health issues.  We went early hoping many would be staying home to sleep in on a Saturday.  We were right!  I had prayed and asked Heavenly Father to help me be able to go to the Temple and to have no issues with my breathing/asthma.  We were going to do work for our ancestors, sealing husbands and wives to each other and them to their children.  There was such a spirit in the room, His spirit.  We could feel those we were doing the work for, and the biggest blessing?  We were the only patrons there.  It was so unusual to have only two people in a session, so we asked was anyone else signed up?  We were told that TEN others had also signed up but we were the only ones there.

TEN, ten people who didn’t come because I needed that moment.

If I was ever unsure of just how much Heavenly Father loves me and how much I matter to Him, this was a sweet and strong reminder.  I do matter and He is aware of my circumstances and while I can not see the big picture, He can.  He will see me through this, He will support my husband and daughters and help them not only be able to help me when I need it but to know what to do to help.  His Spirit fills my heart and is present in our home.  What a tremendous gift.  Yes I need 9 drugs in my system to breathe, but I am loved by God, my family and friends.

I am so blessed.

 

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2017 in Uncategorized

 
 
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