I find myself feeling fragile and open in a new way.
“Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness.” ~Mother Teresa
What a week it has been
Last Sunday I was asked to serve in the women’s group at church. What followed was one of the most upsetting days I can remember. Moments after saying yes I became confused. I then felt driven to change this ‘wrong’ as I now saw it. I had to immediately go and ask for time to consider it instead of immediately accepting. I felt compelled to do it right then, prior to sacrament meeting beginning so the calling wouldn’t be made that day.
What about me, my family? This was essentially the question I asked our leader. Once again driven. We have been patient while faced with unkind comments and resistance with no apparent purpose for years. We focused on us and staying close to our Heavenly Father. This was the time. Heavenly Father wanted us to move forward, I was driven to deal with this now. It is important for you to know that it is my choice to follow, my choice to be close to His spirit and act. I could have chosen to be driven away.
Our meeting was brutal, hard words were said. “If we were to place you in a leadership position there are those who would leave the church and not come back.” “We must meet them where they are.” The implication of our discussion is that it is my fault that people have hurtful feelings towards me. That I have behaved badly and they are justified, he too is placing this judgement on me.
What have I done? I have listened to the Spirit, I have allowed myself to be guided, as a person and a parent. I have tried to keep my family wrapped in HIS spirit in spite of abusive behavior by one of my own children. I have kept wrapped tightly because the Spirit was protecting me from further ugliness. It is time to deal with it and hopefully change beliefs, to once again stand outside the box and knock asking those around me to see beyond their walls.
What about me? My family? This meeting was ugly, but part way through His spirit intervened and there was a moment of understanding as to who I am, what I stand for and the good I can do. May that moment be a key that begins to unlock understanding and charity.
What about me? My family? We are loved by our Father in Heaven; He is ever watchful and has a purpose in what is happening if we will have faith and believe. I had faith enough to call our leader on the carpet, to try to help him understand what he is missing by focusing on the dark.
Darkness and Light; such a fine line between the two filled with ‘gray’ that the Adversary uses to confuse us and try to knock us from our course.
Can I go on?
I was bewildered and fragile I was breaking inside and knew I couldn’t go on and called out for help. God spoke to me. “You are special. What you are doing is important. You can do it.” I actually heard these words.
Then he left me with this feeling – Be at peace and have joy, it will all work out.
He gave me courage to attend the beach activity this past weekend with some who had judged us.
To stand on a beach with some who have judged me unkindly and inaccurately; judged with misinformation rather than seeking the truth. Yet my heart is full, I love them. How is this possible? God has touched my heart and made it light.
The world can be ugly yet I love them still. A perfect day.
You may have the ability to bruise my heel with hard words but I have found Joy and love you in spite of it.
How grateful I am.
I walked with God, no ugliness can take that away.
I am fragile, hard words hurt, I feel shaky inside, I need comfort more frequently but I wouldn’t give it up for a moment. He has spoken and I have felt LOVE, I have been touched and hopefully forever changed. I want more. He makes it possible to turn the other cheek, but also to look over my shoulder and see Him there. I am stronger than I think because I am not alone.
I am fragile…I must remember to handle myself with care – His care.